ignorance.

One of my biggest fears has got to be: ignorance.

i want to be educated. is that too much to ask for?

This quarter has, so far, not been intellectually engaging, and it's making it really difficult for me to get through it.

i feel drained.
i feel like a sponge.... and someone's just constantly squeezing the "good stuff" out of me.
I lack in creativity.
My imagination is beginning to starve.
I've been thrown facts in the form of bricks... leaving me to chisel each one out in order to disect it.. and i wish the facts would've been thrown to me as a heap of mud... because atleast then i'd have some sort of moisture, some sort of substance... something to sink my hands into and actually FEEL... something moldable that i could take and form my own creation with.
I.
just.
want.
this.
to.
be.
over.

I've had too much going on.. i left no time for MYSELF..
Crystal without "me" time is, as i've come to find, HORRIBLE.
and it needs to end.

Pale.
that's what it's like.
and i want so bad for the rays of sun to cover me in their warmth and
give me some COLOR!

I Am Waiting by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I am waiting for my case to come up
and I am waiting
for a rebirth of wonder
and i am waiting for someone
to really discover America
and wait
and i am waiting
for the discovery
of a new symbolic western frontier
and i am waiting
for the american eagle
to really spread its wings
and straighten up and fly right
and i am waiting
for the age of anxiety
to drop dead
and i am waiting
for the war to be fought
which will make the world safe
for anarchy
and i am waiting
for the final withering away
of all governments
and i am perpetually awaiting
a rebirth of wonder

I am waitn for the Second Coming
and i am waiting
for a religious revival
to sweep thru the state of Arizona
and i am waiting
for the Grapes of Wrath to be stored
and i am waiting for them to prove
that God is really America
and i am seriously waiting
for Billy Graham and Elvis Presley
to exchange roles
seriously
and i am waiting
to see God on television
pied onto church altars
if only they can find
the right channel
to tune in on
and i am waiting
for the Last Supper to be served again
with a strange new appetizer
andi am perpetually awaiting
a rebirth of wonder

I am waiting for my number to be called
and i am waiting
for the living end
and i am waiting
for dad to come home
his pockets full
of irradiated silver dollars
and i am waiting
for the atomic tests to end
and i am waiting happily
for things to get much worse
before they improve
and i wam waiting
for the Salvation Army to take over
and i am waiting
for the human crowd
to wander off a cliff somewhere
clutching its atomic umbrella
and i am waiting
for Ike to act
and i am waiting
for the meek to be blessed
and inherit the earth
without taxes
and i am waiting
for forests and animals
to reclaim the earth as theirs
and i am waiting
for a way to be devised
to destroy all nationalisms
without killing anybody
and i am waiting
for linnets and planets to fall like rain
and i am waiting for lovers and weepers
to lie down together again
in a new rebirth of wonder
I am waiting for the Great Divide to be crossed
and i am anxiously waiting
for the secret of eternal life to be discovered
by an obscure general practitioner
and save me forever from certain death
and i am waiting
for the storms of life
to be over
and i am waiting
to set sail for happiness
and i am waiting
for a reconstructed Mayflower
to reach America
with its picture story and tv rights
sold in advance to the natives
and i am waiting
for the lost music to sound again
in the Lost Continent
in a new rebirth of wonder................

_Lawrence Ferlinghetti

............. (look up the rest, i'm tired of typing)