give it your all

You shouldn't hesitate or feel dumb about what you do or say..do what you do with love, whatever it may be. Give it 100% even if you're not sure about it. If you're going to choose to do something or say something then be able to be passionate about it... if you're going to choose to study at a culinary school, then be able to go on the rooftops and yell I WANT TO BE A CHEF! if you're going to choose to be in love with a girl named Sally, then be able to jump on the rooftops and yell I AM IN LOVE WITH SALLY.. if you're going to choose to be a bag boy at Safeway, then be able to stand tall on that rooftop and yell I BAG YOUR GROCERIES. we all have roles. sometimes we have to fulfill them for stability.. but a lot of the time, we get to choose some of our roles... those are the ones we should be happy with. and once things change, and you're beginning to fill yet another role, just climb down that old rooftop and move on to the next. people won't point their fingers at you and say "but last week you were on THAT rooftop and you were yelling THIS instead"..and if they do, pity them for lack of understanding that life includes growth and change.

in the end. i think it's all about passion and giving it your all.

I don't like not being able to "give it my all" on certain things... i mean, i'll be reading a book or something, and i'll suddenly have this amazing idea pop into my head and i'll think about it for a few minutes, and before i know it, it's time to go to work! it really pisses me off sometimes... that i don't even have time to sit and THINK.

But anyway... i don't think it's fair to ourselves to not try and be the best we can be. Why do something half-heartedly? seems like a waste of time. So, the next time you grab that broom to sweep the kitchen, grab the broom and yell, I'M SWEEPING THE KITCHEN, and IT'S WONDERFUL!

i read this one book, and it said "working the best you can literally means working 'out from the soul' ... In all the work you are doing, work the best you can. Work as if you were doing it for the benefits it will bring, not for people." but i think it can be related to life in general, not just work. BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE =] and don't let anyone tell you that your best is not enough.

<33

time travel

"anything is possible."

i've heard that phrase quite a few times.. but i don't think i ever really thought about to what extent "anything" could actually reach to...

i'm starting to believe that ANYTHING really IS possible. i mean... even "CRAZY" ideas... i think that if we're able to IMAGINE something... it's pretty much possible. It ties back to that Wallace Steven's quote : "Let be be the finale of seem." I mean... if something SEEMS as though as it can be possible.. if you can IMAGINE something and form a picture of it in your head... why can't it be possible to actually "be"? rather than just "seem"?

Take cloning for example... or the internet... i bet that if we were to tell people "way back in the day" (i won't even give a range of years because i'm HORRIBLE with history!) about those two things, they would think we're insane. They would tell us that it's IMPOSSIBLE... they would take their current technological and scientific principles and tell us that there is NO WAY such thing could EVER BE. and yet here it is, being.

The same thing goes for today.. we're so advanced in science and in techonology... we think we know how so many things work... but really, i bet we don't.

I even think time travel is possible. Why not? ... i can imagine it. =] and thus, i chose to let be be the finale of THIS seem... I can't even define what time is. I don't know what it is... sure, clocks tell time... the sun tells time...aging tells time, etc. but who cares?? that still doesn't really define time. Whatever time is.. i'm pretty sure we could travel back into it =]

and please don't post a comment telling me to be more "realistic"... i don't want to be "realistic" right now.. at this point in time, i really do believe that time travel is possible... and that's that. just let me be.

i think that if we all took some time out of our busy lives to let our imaginations run wild for a few minutes everyday, the world would be a better place. =]

i think that our definitions of "reality" are what hold us back from being all that we can be. It'd probably be better if we chose to let our imagination and dreams be the blueprints for our lives rather than this thing we like to call "reality."

Pink elephants eating toffee almond bars
and humming to
the radio.

The man in white calls that crazy.

and he walks on, talking to the air, tapping his ear for reception.

And
The mis-matched character 3 cell phones and 2 high heels away burps out a butterfly, smiles, and calls it
tomorrow.

"Let be be the finale of seem."

what do we live for...

i'm sitting here; i've been sitting here for the past few hours, and from the looks of it, i may damn well die here.

i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.

i might get up and eat. i'll eat, and then i'll go work out. it'll start out being a "work out" for the purpose of wanting to live a "healthier" life... and then i'll start LOOKING fit, i'll start FEELING like i LOOK good, and before you know it, i'll LOVE my image. and then i'll want to keep it. i'll want to safe guard it. i'll wish my body were a statue, so that it would never change in appearance. i'll eat again, and this time only take two bites. i'll be scared. scared of losing the image i now LOVE. & before i know it, i've allowed myself to lose my purpose. the purpose will no longer involve the word "health"... it'll involve the words "skinny" and "fat." it'll involve self-hated. it'll involve fear. and now i'm too scared to move. too scared to start something i'll never be able to end.

i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.

i might get up and do some homework. i'll concentrate fully on my work. i'll study and study, until i fall asleep. i'll work my hardest. i'll try my best. and i'll get a B. not an A. a B. and it'll ruin my GPA. it'll cause me to lose another letter of acceptance. and somewhere, for some reason, i was taught that the school you get accepted into matters. it doesn't matter how good you are at ONE thing... or how passionate you are about A subject... it doesn't matter what you think of yourself... what matters are the LETTERS, the NUMBERS, the calculations. this plus this plus that DEFINES you. you are a file you are a record. mess up and beware, your dreams might shatter. once your dreams shatter... you have nothing else to hold on to. and so i sit, too scared to move. too scared to try my hardest and have someone tell me that it's not enough.

i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.

i might get up and have to face people with expectations. i might not fit those expectations.
because, over time, i have learned that being ME is not enough. i have to be what THEY want me to be. Me, without trying, is worthless. Me, alone, is never enough. and so i sit, too scared to move. too scared to live because i'm scared that i'll mix up my ideas of living with THEIRS. scared that i'll be living for all the wrong reasons; scared that i'll follow THEIR rules, rather than my own.

Scared that maybe i've grown these invisible strings on my arms and my legs, maybe even one on my head. Scared that they're moving me. Scared that THEY are in charge of ME. Scared that i've lost and they've won. And i'm thinking, maybe if i sit here long enough, they'll give up, and i'll be able to once again be free.

is ignoring the presence of others becoming "natural"?

Eyes allergic to others; they can’t so much as LOOK.
Hearts within a yard, bodies within bubbles; and we are still non existent.
I can feel your breathing; but it comes off as wind.
Unsignificant and detached.
And today I can add 5 more to the leaf by leaf list of others.
And today I slam shut five more doors.
And today I’ve become more of a bigot.

Today I’ve allowed you to die.

I love mint chocolate chip too.
Perhaps we could have shared a pint.

Instead two pints will be purchased,
Two spoons will be used,
And our only companion will be our screens.

Achoo.

WAIT!
I love mint chocolate chip too.

we are all biased.

i think that if there's one thing we can't escape.. it's bigotry.

and that makes me kind of sad. i mean, from when we're children, we're spoon-fed all of these ideas. As children, we don't know much, and so, when we are fed information too hard for us to completely grasp on our own.. we tend to swallow. And as we swallow, it becomes a part of us.

One of the ideas that i "swallowed" at a young age.. and have continued to let be a part of me for quite some time is the belief in Jesus Christ.
As a child, i never really questioned anything. But as i got older and DID begin to question.. Jesus suddenly became more than just "the guy who hangs on all those crosses." He gave me an overwhelming spiritual feeling of happiness and hope.

And now, all of a sudden, i've become numb to one of the feelings that was so recently a huge part of my life... the basis of my life, almost. It's weird; believing in something for so long, and then not being able to FEEL anything towards it anymore. It's like... Jesus this. Jesus that. and my response is Jesus who?... i no longer am "touched" I no longer am "overwhelmed".. instead, i am just down right confused and angry.

And i've decided to have conversations with people about it. I want to open my mind to different view points. It's like i'm the rope in the middle of a tug-of war.. being pulled by people's different ideas. and even when i pull "people" out of the equation, and just focus on myself and my own thoughts... i end up pushing and pulling myself on my own. I say one thing... but then just sigh and go back to where i started.

It is SO DIFFICULT to break away from an idea that's been a part of you you're whole life... no matter how hard you try to set it aside, it keeps following you around like a shadow... sometimes you wish it would go away, but for some reason, the sun is just always there, casting down that shadow... the shadow might be small at some points, and large at others... but it's still always present.

So anyway... i think one of the biggest challenges within ourselves is to: try and break away from the mold that we've been set in. It's hard sometimes... it's like, trying to convince yourself that 2+2 is NOT four. It's telling yourself that perhaps YOU ARE WRONG, perhaps there are BETTER ideas out there. We just have to take that first step; we have to question our beliefs and practices. WHY do we do what we do? I have yet to find out if "breaking out of this mold" is as rewarding as it is challenging; but something tells me it probably WILL be.

Who are you?

"The Imagination has moved out of the realm of being our link, our most personal link, with our inner lives and the world outside that world ---this world we share. What is schizophrenia but a horrifying state where what's in here doesn't match up with what's out there?

Why has imagination become a synonym for style?

I belive that the imagination is the passport we create to take us into the real world.

I believe the imagination is another phrase for what is most uniquely US.

Jung says the greatest sin is to be unconscious.

Our boy Holden says "What scares me most is the other guy's face--it wouldn't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded--most of the time the faces we face are not the other guys' but our own faces. And it's the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself..."

To face ourselves.

That's the hard thing.

The imagination.

That's God's gift to make the act of self-examination bearable."

__ "Six Degrees of Separation" John Guare



People often try SO hard to live by the constraints of "reality," whatever it is that they personally hold "reality" to be. Don't wear your pants too tight; you wouldn't want to be seen as a "queer." Don't wear your shirt too high; you don't want to be seen as a "slut." Don't use "curse words" in every other sentence you utter; wouldn't want to be seen as a "menace." Don't go out without brushing your hair; wouldn't want to be seen as "gross and dirty." Don't do this. Don't do that. Be this. Be that. Titles. Assumptions.

We make this "world" harder to live in BY THE MINUTE.

I think i've come to realize something that makes me happy. --> I'm able to carry out numerous different roles without becoming a totally different person, i'm able to be "different" enough to enjoy a handful of different environments, but not so "different" that i lose the sense of "who i am." But then that poses the question of "who exactly are you?"...yes, "who am i?"

There is no me. The closest thing i can think of that i can use to define myself are my thoughts. My thoughts and ideas, i believe, are two of the most powerful parts of me. If someone were to ask me, "who are you?" ... i would have to THINK about my answer... my answer would then be a result of my THOUGHTS. Our THOUGHT PROCESS is what leads us to what we believe "truth" is. So anyway... My THOUGHTS are what follow me around 24/7... sure, thoughts change... and all that does is add to the fact that i'm an EVERCHANGING person. EVERY SECOND IS DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE THAT JUST PASSED AND THE ONE THAT IS ABOUT TO COME. I'M A CONSTANT CHANGE OF PERSONAS. AND I REFUSE TO REMAIN STATIC. I GROW. I CHANGE. I WILL RISE AND I WILL FALL. I WEAVE MYSELF AND MY LIFE THROUGH A MAZE OF DIFFERENT IDEOLIGIES, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I EVER FIND MYSELF STUCK IN ONE, SOLITARY IDEOLOGY.

This sometimes causes me to believe that i have a "problem"... i'm not so sure that it's CORRECTLY defined as a "problem" though. This potential "problem" is that i don't really have a concrete stand on anything. You know, people all have things that they firmly believe in... they're able to argue their points and stand up for what they believe in. Me on the other hand, i'll say that i believe in something...but if someone comes along and preaches something on the opposite end that i happen to learn to agree with, i'll drop my stance... and won't back up my point of view... because it will have changed by then. People often see this as "weakness"... i just prefer to look at it as "openess." Before i die, i hope that i can be able to say that i've gotten to experience hundreds of thousands of different things... things that i've always wanted to experience, as well as things that i never would have imagined i would. If life and this world we live in were a big pot of stew, i'd want to sit there for ever, indulging in all it's contents. I want to suck all that i can out of life. I want to live through my imagination rather than my reality. Imagination, i belive, is personal afterall, it's who you really are.

And for now..

In the morning, i'm Liz's best friend. I'm a person for her to carpool with. I'm the person who reads over her papers and checks for grammatical errors as well as making sure that it all makes sense. I'm the person who is sometimes still grouchy during the drive to school from lack of sleep. And on other days, i'm the person who will raise the volume as one of my favorite songs on the radio is playing, singing and bobbing my head all the while.

After that, i'm a student. I'm quiet. In some classes i'm the "studious" girl, and in other classes i'm just plain mute. Some days, as i walk in between classes, i'm the girl who smiles a lot. Other days, during walks between classes, i'm the girl with her head down, too tired to acknowledge the presence of others. No one knows of my volume-raising, head bopping, sing-alonging ways.

After school, i'm the speeder. I'm the materialistic girl driving with her sunglasses, "thinking i'm so cool" with them on. I speed off to work, always in a rush. I'm the "average" American. I'm allowing money and "responsibilities"... and TIME to take over me. I am weak at this part of the day. I'm the girl who will say "you f*cking suck" if you slow down at the yellow light rather then speed off and take it; yes, it's all YOUR fault that i'm going to be late. I'm the type of person who i usually shake my head in dissapproval of. It's almost impossible to imagine that i'm the same girl who can take 20 minutes out of her day to sit, breathe, and relax, thinking of nothing but the rhythm of my breathing.

In the afternoon, i'm a "leader." i'm "teacher." i'm the girl who takes care of elementary school kids. i'm "it" on days that i choose to play tag. i'm part of a "team" on days that i choose to play basketball. i'm an "adult" on days when the 1st graders hold on to my legs and expect me to drag them along. i'm the "nice" leader; the one who often lets things slides... the one who's still too young to know better. sometimes, i'm a kid again. No way am i the girl who curses at cars in front of me.. NO WAY.

In the evening, i'm Mrs. Church-goer. I'm a bible reading, prayer reciting, ministry leader. sometimes, i'm "quiet" again. I'm a helper. I'm a "lighthouse," i'm a "candle," and half the times i don't have a clue as to what i'm "lighting up" at all. I'm suddenly acknowleged as Mexican because everyone around me isn't.

At night, i'm a girl. I go to they gym because i don't want to get FAT, and i just use "i want to be healthy" as an excuse. I trap myself indoors, riding stationary bikes rather than taking a hike in the outside world. I'm a statistic. Suddenly, i'm an "active" person... a person who cares about their "well-being." I'm "young" because i barely reach the age requirement.

Somedays, i listen to Alternative music all day, wear skinny jeans, keds, and a t-shirt. My mexican friends tell me i'm white washed.

Other days, i listen to oldies, and classical music; i dance around to Jackie Wilson, try to make my voice low and manly like Frank Sinatra, or nice and raspy like Billie Holiday. i'm weird.

Rarely, i listen to my mother's ipod... spanish music... and i dance around, imitating what i see at family parties. Suddenly i'm "straight up beaner."

Sometimes, on weekends, i drive around with my brother in his super old toyota truck. I wear sweats and nikes. My long black hair down. Ice Cube's "today was a good day" sounding out through the window. Suddenly, i'm "mexican american."

Other days, i hang out with asians. I eat pho and i buy jasmine milk teas with pearls. I oohhh and ahhh as i look at a break dancing videos. Uh-oh, looks like im a Asiaphile? hah.

Other days, i go to the mall. Get some jamba juice and watch a movie. Drop in to forever 21 and look at the clothes, maybe buy a shirt or two. Walk over to target and buy some Burt's Beeswax. Go to Borders and look at the books. Guess i'm a mall rat... maybe a girly girl.

I go to the library. I read and i study. I sit there for hours, concentrating. Suddently i'm a "school girl."

I'm mean. I'm nice. I'm smart. I'm naive. I'm slow. I'm fast. I'm easy to understand. I'm difficult to grasp. I'm average. I'm unique. I'm awesome. I'm kind of boring. I'm loud. I'm mute. I'm shy. I'm friendly. I'm hot. I'm cold.
I love it when people don't understand me.

ME is all i am. who are you?

first poem of the quarter.

Gubbinal

That strange flower, the sun,

Is just what you say,

Have it your way.

The world is ugly,

And the people are sad.

That tuft of jungle feathers,

That animal eye,

Is just what you say.

That savage of fire,

That seed,

Have it your way.

The world is ugly,

And the people are sad.

_Wallace Stevens

SAY that the world is ugly, and that the people are sad... and you will BELIEVE that the world is ugly, and that the people are sad... thus leading to ACTUALLY HAVING a world of which is ugly and full of people that are sad.

SAY --> BELIEVE --> and it WILL BE.

SAY that you can do it... and you will BELIEVE that you are capable... before you know it, you'll have suceeded.

"The mind is a funny thing, Abigail -- and a powerful thing at that. Bernice is gonna believe what i tell her ... And the only magic is that what she believes ...they're gunna become." (Gloria Naylor's Mama Day)

Yes, the mind is certainly a POWERFUL thing.

It's amazing. Often, as me and my best friend carpool away from school to work, i mutter the usual "urgghh, i dont want to go to work, it's gunna suck" .. and what do you know? it usually does at some points. But today, SHE said "urgh, i dont want to go to work." and iii said, "i do." she looked at me with confusement... and i said "okay, well, maybe i don't, but i gunna tell myself i do. i'm trying to think more positive about it now." ... so i got to work, and one of my coworkers had called in... which meant that i'd be having the 1st AND 2nd graders (and in case you don't know, the 2nd graders are CRAZY)... i thought, oh great! i'm gunna have like a bagillion kids to myself, not to mention the CRAZY ones at that. It's totally illegal. supposed to be a 20kids/1adult ratio...but ehh. So anyway, i started telling myself to think positive, i said, "You can do this Crystal, it won't be that bad." And guess what?? IT WASN'T. i had an AWESOME day. =]

Yes, the mind is powerful.

and i love it.

just think about it... YOU hold the POWER to control your life. FILL YOUR MINDS WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS. Negative thoughts only bring you down.

Don't get mad, get glad =] Don't get fiesty, get mellow. Don't get annoyed, get pacified. =]

take a deep breathe and remind yourself at how great your life is capable of being.

It's all on you whether or not you choose to have a bad day. ... most of the time atleast... i mean, give me a horrible day and i just might have to second guess all that i have just written.

<33>

i STILL love photos.

i went to visit my high school photo teachers...
their room smelled like developer, and it brought back memories...
they were dissappointed to hear that i'm not taking any art classes in college...
and so... i've decided to start taking pictures again =]

because pictures are pretty.

i like taking photographs to capture things as complicated as emotions and ideas, as well as things as simple as moments and images. Capture moments. Capture Love. Capture Life.

"I think a photography class should be a requirement in all educational programs because it makes you see the world rather than just look at it." -Author Unknown

"You don't take a photograph, you make it." -Ansel Adams

"All photographs are there to remind us of what we forget. In this - as in other ways - they are the opposite of paintings. Paintings record what the painter remembers. Because each one of us forgets different things, a photo more than a painting may change its meaning according to who is looking at it." -John Berger

"When you photograph people in colour you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in B&W, you photograph their souls!" -Ted Grant


If there's one thing i love to do is describe things through writing... but there's nothing like a picture to add the cherry on top.

I think that we can't ever really leave our pasts, i mean, we can try to forget it... but it'll always be there. By having photographs, we can have something to help us remember the past... and my remembering the past, we can learn from it, and dive deeper into our futures.






<33

experiment.

my friend had a sociology project to do this weekend; basically, she had to violate a norm.

so we went to Santana Row dressed like that (up there). [Santana Row= Urban Outfitters, Gucci, Burberry..]

People didn't stare as much as we thought they would... the few that did stare were quick to turn away. We figured that they acted this way because they had "manners" and "knew better than to stare."

Afterwards, we went to Eastridge Mall (a shopping area that's SUPPOSEDLY meant for people with less money than the people who shop at Santana Row; ie. JCpenny, Sears, Papaya)... THERE we got stares as early on as in the parking lot. It was really a significant difference from the number of stares we had recieved in Santana Row. Everyone in the food court turned to look at us... they stared for over 5 seconds at a time... oddly, it made me happy =]

before this "experiment" i had set up a stereotype towards "wealthy people," i thought that they were "snobby" and less "accepting" than non-wealthy people. This "experiement" kind of proved me wrong. The "wealthy people" were far more "accepting" than the "less-wealthy" people.

Something else i noticed was that there was a far larger percentage of minorities at Eastridge, while there was a far larger percentage of Caucasians at Santana Row. Minorities often crave to be "accepted" and "treated equally" without taking into consideration that they "look different" and yet, throughout this experiment, they proved to be less "accepting" than the people who they often claim are less accepting. How can you constanly ask to be accepted if you yourself are not accepting?... or have you grown to be nonaccepting because of how often you yourself are not accepted??..

Anyway, i'm tired of writing this blog. it's dumb. i don't know what i'm saying or where i'm getting at. I'm making too many judgements and following too many stereotypes... it's disgusting.

peace out.

p.s. i know. i'm a hypocrite.