i don't like to talk very much.

usually, i don't say too much at all. why?.. i'm not so sure, but i think it's a mixture of "i know that i'm a hyprocrite, and i know that i've got a lot to learn, and therefore reluctant to say what it is i have on my mind because i know how easy it'll be to be proven wrong." AND "most of the time, when people criticize me, i don't fight back, i take it. i'm too scared to face confrontations."

and so, i think maybe... i lack confidence in myself and my ideas... and the really sad part is that i know this problem is big enough to shape the outcome of my future.. i feel that i'm not going to be able to get anywhere unless i start SPEAKING up, for MYSELF, and for others.. but more specifically MYSELF... i feel as though i've been taught (while growing up) that questioning authority is wrong, that speaking out of turn is wrong, etc... and i've really taken it to heart. it's hindering me from growing, and i know i'm going to have to grow out of it.. it's just REALLY, EXTREMELY hard for me.. i have NO IDEA why.. it's like.. one of my biggest fears... i just don't understand why i feel that way.

i never posted my poem from last year.. but i think this post calls for it:

Here I go, using WORDS again.. HOARDS and HOARDS of words, Some of them full of MEANING, but others as EMPTY as unwanted silence. And these words are words that I THINK are true, but no, some of them spell out as nasty as vomit, Vomit as NASTY as lies. These words. Where did these words come from? They came from a LANGUAGE I so-called LEARNED, a language that WITHIN ITSELF can be spoken and written a million other different ways, a language different from those of my parents, my parents who brought me here in the FIRST PLACE, a language that creates wars and creates HATRED, creates BLOOD and creates death. The SAME language that can create LOVE and beauty. Language that CHANGES when spoken from a 42 year old Punjabi woman to a 15 year old Caucasian boy. Same language? No. Different language? no? same language? Confusion within these mixture of letters, letters, so many different letters, creating so many different words, words with hyphens, words without, words with I's before e's except after c's expect for the few times when those e's come before those I's even though they come after the c's.

And I wish that it would CEASE.

I'm standing here speaking, these WORDS, whatever words are, are coming out but I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just using my TONGUE and using my TEETH, using my JAWS and using my CHEEKS. Breathing IN breathing OUT, these sounds are coming out. But I still DON'T KNOW what I'm saying.

And so for a while I don't speak at all.

I stay quiet.

But then people question. Question what I have to say just because I say I have nothing TO say. And I just don't like speaking because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. I'd rather stroke a face or shake a hand; feel the texture, feel the smoothness. Because, i know my hands don't lie, they tell the truth; they touch, and i know that what they're feeling is true. I'd rather feel than describe; stupid words, stupid lies.

Hypocrisy.

One question. One Answer.

And the altering of lives.

The utterance of wrong words thrown into a sentence

could quite possible make all the difference.

And so for now I'll stop using these words, knowing that some of them will be lies, in HOPES of one day being able to speak in a way that is, at this point in time, unimaginable to me. Hopes that one day I will no longer speak with CHUNKS of vomit as I spit out those CHUNKS OF LIES but instead speak with the consistency, the purity, the strength, and the honesty of the biggest fresh water river anyone's ever seen in their life. Hopes of one day being able to truly "speak."

today..

today, i broke up with my boyfriend.



why? because i have TOO much to focus on for MYSELF, i'm 19 years old, i need time for ME... i dont know what i want... i don't know where i'm going... i dont want to "be in a relationship" at this point in my life. i need to further discover what it is that I'M about, what it is I'M for, what it is I DREAM for.. I LONG for... once i form a better image of those things.. then maybe i can allow someone else into "my picture." and then maybe i'll be able to allow him in for the RIGHT reasons.

This may sound a bit cynical, but i don't believe in "ROMANTIC LOVE." i believe in LOVE. and i believe in LUST. i believe that they are TWO DIFFERENT things. i believe that when you're with someone... you should love them in the sense that you CARE about them, that you want the best for them, that you're willing to put them before you at times, that you're left with JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT of pride while you're with them (i.e., you have enough pride to tell him/her when he/she is wrong, but not so much pride that you're unwilling to admit that sometimes YOU are the one who's wrong).. they should be your "PARTNER," your "TEAM MEMBER," and by this i mean someone who'll be there to help YOU when you're in need, and someone who YOU'RE willing to help when he/she is in need. I think that the person you're "with" should be both similar and different when compared to you. Similar in the sense that you both define LIFE (in general) in similar ways, that you both have similar priorities (not priorities like, oh, the football game ALWAYS comes before grocery shopping; i mean priorities like, family comes before work, or the bills come before gadgets, etc.)... i think you should both have similar IDEOLOGIES... etc... but it's okay (and probably preferable) to be different in personality and character. say for instance, if one of you is loud, it may be preferable that the other is quiet. One is outgoing, the other reserved. etc. I think it's also okay to have different likings, as long as you do have atleast SOME similar ones. and yeah.

all those FEELINGS you get... "butterflies in the tummy" or "oh i love it when you kiss my ear".. "he makes me melt"... "i get lost in his eyes/smile" etc... are all just things that the MEDIA and other things have caused us to set along side with the word "love."...when really.. that's not love at all.

anyway... it's been a long day.

anddd.. i dont know what im talking about anymore... so.. i shall end this blog HERE.

Election '08

today,

was my first time voting. =] yay. =]


and today,

a "colored" man was made the president of the United States,

and yes,

today, racism still exists,
today, people of color are still discriminated against and oppressed,
today, is, in certain ways, both different from, and the same as, yesterday,
but today will always be the present,
whereas yesterday will always be the past.

Today we proved that change in possible.

And for tomorrow, the future, we can only HOPE for more.


"A long time ago,
An enslaved people heading toward freedom
Made up a song:
Keep Your Hand On The Plow! Hold on!
That plow plowed a new furrow
Across the field of history.
Into that furrow the freedom seed was dropped.
From that seed a tree grew, is growing, will ever grow.
That tree is for everybody,
For all America, for all the world.
May its branches spread and its shelter grow
Until all races and all peoples know its shade.

KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE PLOW!
HOLD ON!"
_Langston Hughes