American Robot.

so, i drew/painted this today. and .. it's kinda sloppy... and.. the picture quality sucks. because my computer wouldnt read my memory card...but ANYWAY.

it's kinda hard to notice.. the flaming trash can on the left is holding human body parts, the can has the categories: age, ethnicity, and rating drawn on to it... and the box in the far right side is labeled 451.

i refuse to become an American Robot.

disabilities

so i was watching "BABEL" yesterday...

and the japanese girl's character made me feel bad for her.

why do people insist on making fun of someone who has to wake up every morning to face the fact that they can't see... can't hear... can't speak... can't walk.. that they LOOK different from everyone else... that they CAN NEVER be what everyone seems to want them to be? do people even stop and think how that must feel? NO, they're too stuck on THEMSELVES, too stuck on how UNCOMFORTABLE that person, that THING, makes THEM feel.

be selfless, not selfish. kind and not crude.

21 meets 30.

And I guess I just like the look of age.

Jump and jolt with a simple graze
Of callused fingers on my sides.
And you, you and your calluses,
And sweat thick as molasses,
Sometimes too worn to even feel.

One learning the tricycle,
The other leaving the bicycle,
And I’m glad we just go for walks.

I guess I just like the look of age.

The feeling of age
Against an untamed youth
Is all the rage.

And I guess I just like the look of age.

Not only the look,
But the sound,
And the taste,

The taste of part upon part,
Like plastic upon rubber,
One easier to glide on than the other.

I am tasteless, to myself I am tasteless.


And I guess I just like the smell of age.

on being a minority.

i don't understand, why my flesh means more to you than my soul.
my skin doesn't do anything;
it doesn't speak, it doesn't voice it's opinions,
it doesn't tell you it loves you, it just covers me, it's just there.
i am not my skin.
yes, it tells of my history, of my past;
of my family tree and perhaps where they are from,
but what does that say about ME?
i am my own person,
skin is redefined by every person who wears it.
i am not just my skin.
nor am i just my hair,
or my nose,
or my lips,
or any other of my features.
i am ME,
i am my thoughts,
i am my actions,
i am my attitudes,
my feelings,
my laughter,
my smile,
my skills and my talents,
my flaws and my imperfections.
YOU, you focus on the cover,
and I, i beg you to open the book.
i beg you to read.
read my pages, even if you choose only to read the first,
because the first will tell you far more than the cover.
the cover ain't nothin'.
no, the cover isn't really me at all;
the cover's been beat by rain and by mud,
by falls and by tosses.
The cover is better defined as a picture of: what the WORLD has DONE TO ME.
In order to find ME, you have to look past that.

I don't understand why i have my prove myself to you.
I don't understand why you think that you can tell me what i can and cannot do,
what i'm capable of, and what i'm too weak to accomplish.
you don't know me.
i don't understand why you think you can define me,
when you haven't even read the first page,
and honey,
there's thousands; looks like you've got a long way to go.

Can Women and Men be "just friends"?

Freshman year in high school. English 1A. Mr. Kick. One of the few things i remember most vividly from his class was the day he told us that women and men can never be just friends. He said, "it says it all in "When Harry Met Sally." ... Sure, i remember falling in love with Holden Caulfield, and realizing that Romeo and Juliet experienced infatuation rather than love, and learning all the important Greek/Roman mythologies, talking about Night and To Kill A Mockingbird, and being introduced to the story that would forever print a picture of an evil wine cellar in my mind (Cask of Amontillado)... but i also remember some of Mr. Kick's "life tips".. one of them being this whole women and men friendship thing. It's funny... how a "Tip" as simple as this could follow me so often throughout my day to day life.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And i'm not sure what to believe. I WANT to believe that a man and woman can be "just friends"... because ANYTHING is possible... but, i have yet to find evidence. I mean... i think they can be friends if they're borderline aquaintance/friend.. that's easy... but i'm not sure if they can be "just friends" while being REALLY GOOD friends. =/

I've been accused of "leading guys on" one too many times.. people think i'm mean because of it sometimes, and honestly, half the time, i'm not even aware of it. Personally, i don't think i "lead them on," i just like talking to guys, and i don't see what's wrong with that. It's actually kind of sad sometimes, i mean, i'll meet a guy, and i'll be nice to him, i'll be caring, and do favors or what not, do my best to help when he's in time of need, and all of sudden "OH, i MUST BE attracted to him." They mistake my kindness for attraction.. and it's kind of like.. geez, is it really that weird for people to want to be nice to eachother? I don't understand. And i'm sorry if i have ever made someone think i'm attracted to them when i'm really not, it most likely wasn't intentional. But then sometimes it goes the other way around, and simple things start making me think a friend is attracted to me too. Like i always say, i'm a hypocrite; but it's okay.

I like having guy friends. and i don't see anything wrong with it. A guy and girl friendship with no sexual attraction HAS TO BE possible!




Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Sex & The City

so, i just got back from watching "Sex and The City"... and, well, i've never watched the show before, and so, i didn't really want to go watch the movie either... but some of my girl friends wanted to, and so i thought, why not?

i'm glad i went. =]

the theater was PACKED with women... laughing women.. giggling women.. gossiping women.. happy women.. beautiful women. So many of them were dressed up (in heels and a cute dress).. and so many of them came in groups... it was like a huge girl's movie night out. and it wasnt only at THAT theater.. because we went to another one before that (but had to leave because they were sold out) and there were A LOT of "dressed up" women there too. there were so many happy faces. so many groups of men-less women. so many arms being linked by the same sex. it almost seemed like everyone had popped right out of the movie itself. at first i was a bit confused; i didn't understand what the big deal was. But then, it made me happy. =]

Personally, i don't think i get along well with too many girls, and so, usually i like to say that "i get along better with boys." Usually i think about how bitchy and moody women can be... how argumentive.. and competitive...ya know? but it's moments like these... when i see a whole bunch of women.. feeling BEAUTIFUL amongst eachother (with NO men).. being happy for the simple fact that they ARE women... that i remember how great women can be. women are fabulous =] i miss having sleepovers.. and going out with the girls.. feeling beautiful and seeing eachother as beautiful instead of thinking "damn it, she looks prettier than i do" and letting it ruin everything... and the more i think about it... it really doesn't have THAT much to do with what we're wearing that makes us feel beautiful during those moments... it has to do more with WHAT we're doing.. and WHO we're doing it with.. just being together as girls.. as women.. being able to let loose and be OURSELVES =] being OURSELVES is when we're most beautiful. being OURSELVES and not having to be judged for it, is when we're most happy. at this moment in time, i'm feeling very WOMANLY, and i like it =]

oh, and, the movie wasn't half bad. =] i enjoyed it.

so many problems.

today,

was such an emotional day. and it's not even close to ending yet.
So i'm sitting on the couch, crying and thinking about a situation that happened today... and i decide to turn the t.v. on... somehow i start to watch this movie called "Wah-Wah"... and the main character of the movie is this pretty cool teenage boy. He cries a little too, because of a situation HE is having... and i started thinking about how many people are crying this very second, or how many people are angry, how many people are sad, how many people feel hopeless, restless, or like they just can't take it anymore... all in this very second. i mean, what's the world population? 6? 7? billion...somewhere in between the two? Whatever, basically, there are a lot of people...

and i,
i,
am a VERY fortunate person.

I shouldn't really have much to complain about. And living the life that i'm living... i should be able to be helping out.. a LOT.. for the greater common good. And for a while, i did feel like i was being helpful... i was volunteering a lot... 3 days out of the week... and it felt good. but i haven't been doing much volunteering lately. and i'm not saying that volunteering the the ONLY way we can be helpful... there are lots of ways...all i'm saying is..

i want to be helpful. i want to help people in need. i want them to be able to be okay with life. we all have the same potential... we all START OUT with the same potential.. it's just that, sometimes we lose sight of our potential because of the things we have to go through in life. and it's funny, i mean, it's not like we get to really chose what life we're brought into.. like, what part of the world we're born into, or what family we're born into, what race, what class... we're sort of just..BORN. but anyway, i want to help. & i have to stop wasting so much time. there's a lot to be done.

there're people in need of a smile, people in need of a hug, people in need of hand, people in need of a push, people who need to be left alone...
there are places to be...
moments to be a part of...
things i am meant to be doing.

<3