with WIDTH comes no DEPTH.

mmmm... i had a conversation with a friend last night.

it started out talking about church and my faith. she's the main leader for the youth ministry i volunteer for... and i had told her that i no longer feel as though i should be a leader for the ministry because i feel that i'm there for the wrong reasons. for selfish reasons. i've been struggling with and questioning my faith for almost a year now.. and it's like... how can i minister to these kids when i don't even know what i believe in? it's like offering someone dinner when you don't even have any food to give. so anyway... we started talking about why i don't believe anymore... and all that.. but... somehow we got to the point where i confessed another one of my biggest fears/obstacles. I've known it to be a problem for quite some time now.. but i never said it outloud until last night =/

basically. i'm scared of commitment (to almost ANYTHING) and concrete ideas. it's like.. i use to be so stuck on God and on Church... on Jesus and Catholicism.. because of my Confirmation class i started going to junior year.. it was a NEW faith for me.. it was a NEW way of thinking and living.. i was LEARNING.. and i love learning. but you know, to make a long story short, 3 years pass... and i'm presented with NEW ideas, other NEW ways of thinking and living. I got scared. I started asking myself, what if Catholicism is bad? what if it's just NOT for me? i was exposed to a few wonderfully amazing people (some Catholic, and others not), and i started thinking about the NONcatholics who were amazing... i figured, if they're so wonderful and so happy WITHOUT being Catholic, maybe i could be too. I'm scared of making the wrong choices and decisions. I was scared of devoting my life to this faith at such a young age.. i didn't want to be "stuck" on that way of life... It's like.. i wanna expose myself to A WHOLE BUNCH of different ideologies and ways of thinking... and see which one suits me best... which on makes me the happiest.

But anyway... i answer a lot of questions with "i don't know" because... i simply don't know.. and it's bad sometimes... because people won't accept i don't knows. this world will not allow me to say I DON'T KNOW. i will never succeed answering the world's questions with I DONT KNOW. in this world, i NEED TO KNOW where i stand... what i want.. etc. or so it seems. and it's so hard for me. i'm scared of hypocrisy (although i acknowlege that we are all hypocrites).. i'm scared of telling myself that certain things are right and certain things are wrong OVER AND OVER again until it's nearly impossible to think otherwise. i want to stay open minded. but... i think it's possible to be TOO open minded. for example, i'm so EASILY lured.. so EASILY influenced about certain ideas an beliefs (sure, i'll always think murdering is bad, i'll always think drugs are bad, etc.. but with other things, i don't have a firm stance)... i need to develop more concrete beliefs.. so that i can stand up what i believe in. ahh. i'm such a ball of confusion right now...

i've been told that with WIDTH comes no DEPTH. i can TRY to do many things at once... live many lifestyles... pracitce different faiths.. carry out different ideologies... or what not.. but the more i put on my plate, the wider the set of things will become.. i'll never be able to MASTER anything. whereas, if i pick one thing, and focus on it, live it, learn it, i'll be able to add and add on to it.. it'll have depth. and yes, i want to be a "deep" person. hah.

sorry if none of this made sense. i just felt the need to go on a ramble about this subject. writing, in so many ways, is my form of communicating.. speaking.. thinking etc.