today..

today, i broke up with my boyfriend.



why? because i have TOO much to focus on for MYSELF, i'm 19 years old, i need time for ME... i dont know what i want... i don't know where i'm going... i dont want to "be in a relationship" at this point in my life. i need to further discover what it is that I'M about, what it is I'M for, what it is I DREAM for.. I LONG for... once i form a better image of those things.. then maybe i can allow someone else into "my picture." and then maybe i'll be able to allow him in for the RIGHT reasons.

This may sound a bit cynical, but i don't believe in "ROMANTIC LOVE." i believe in LOVE. and i believe in LUST. i believe that they are TWO DIFFERENT things. i believe that when you're with someone... you should love them in the sense that you CARE about them, that you want the best for them, that you're willing to put them before you at times, that you're left with JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT of pride while you're with them (i.e., you have enough pride to tell him/her when he/she is wrong, but not so much pride that you're unwilling to admit that sometimes YOU are the one who's wrong).. they should be your "PARTNER," your "TEAM MEMBER," and by this i mean someone who'll be there to help YOU when you're in need, and someone who YOU'RE willing to help when he/she is in need. I think that the person you're "with" should be both similar and different when compared to you. Similar in the sense that you both define LIFE (in general) in similar ways, that you both have similar priorities (not priorities like, oh, the football game ALWAYS comes before grocery shopping; i mean priorities like, family comes before work, or the bills come before gadgets, etc.)... i think you should both have similar IDEOLOGIES... etc... but it's okay (and probably preferable) to be different in personality and character. say for instance, if one of you is loud, it may be preferable that the other is quiet. One is outgoing, the other reserved. etc. I think it's also okay to have different likings, as long as you do have atleast SOME similar ones. and yeah.

all those FEELINGS you get... "butterflies in the tummy" or "oh i love it when you kiss my ear".. "he makes me melt"... "i get lost in his eyes/smile" etc... are all just things that the MEDIA and other things have caused us to set along side with the word "love."...when really.. that's not love at all.

anyway... it's been a long day.

anddd.. i dont know what im talking about anymore... so.. i shall end this blog HERE.