trust.

i've recently discovered..

that i have developed really bad trust issues.
i just...
can't seem to put all my trust..
into another human being..
well... besides my mom, i guess, hah.

it's really unfortunate.

and i'm trying my best.. i really am.
i just don't know how this happened.



i've ALSO recently discovered that..
although i recognized that people other than myself might look at me as, a brown girl, a mexican person, a minority, or what not (at first glance)..
i NEVER had (until now) thought about how being "brown" might change my outlook (or in this case, inlook?) on MYSELF.

i was at a local library reading this story entitled "La Guera" for my "Woman Of Color in the U.S." class .. and it HIT me.. this whole time.. i've been allowing myself to act certain ways just because of the fact that i'm "brown."
here i am, talking about racial discrimination or what not.. posting blogs about how i "don't understand why the color of my skin means so much to you".. and yet here i am, doing the SAME thing to MYSELF.

i had told my sister to "stay quiet, and try and make the least amount of sounds possible" while we were in the "quiet room" at the library because..well.. it's the "QUIET room" of course. i figure, i come in here because it's silent.. all these other people in here probably feel the same way, and so, i should let my sister in on the deal-io. but then i started thinking about it from another light, and.. i realized that part of the fact why i wanted her to be so quiet is because i wanted to BE LIKE THEM, i wanted to FIT IN to the NORM, i didn't want us to be the "loud MEXICAN girls who came in a disrupted our silence." i wanted to be "bleached," i didn't want to be "mexican," i wanted to be like "them." and this holds true for when we're in other locations as well, not just the library. and it's so weird.. how i never realized it until now.

so anyway.. i looked around the "quiet" room.. and i realized that everyone in there was a minority. hah. interesting.

and then i thought, hm, well i guess that makes sense... i mean, why do people come to the library? because they want a quiet place to do homework or general work? a SPACIOUS, COMFORTABLE place. a WELL LIT place. a place with a DESK. a place with free INTERNET and RESOURCES. all things that they perhaps DON'T have at HOME.

... i don't know where i'm going with this blog anymore. & plus, i have a presentation to work on.. so i guess i'll just randomly end it HERE.