i'm sitting here; i've been sitting here for the past few hours, and from the looks of it, i may damn well die here.
i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.
i might get up and eat. i'll eat, and then i'll go work out. it'll start out being a "work out" for the purpose of wanting to live a "healthier" life... and then i'll start LOOKING fit, i'll start FEELING like i LOOK good, and before you know it, i'll LOVE my image. and then i'll want to keep it. i'll want to safe guard it. i'll wish my body were a statue, so that it would never change in appearance. i'll eat again, and this time only take two bites. i'll be scared. scared of losing the image i now LOVE. & before i know it, i've allowed myself to lose my purpose. the purpose will no longer involve the word "health"... it'll involve the words "skinny" and "fat." it'll involve self-hated. it'll involve fear. and now i'm too scared to move. too scared to start something i'll never be able to end.
i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.
i might get up and do some homework. i'll concentrate fully on my work. i'll study and study, until i fall asleep. i'll work my hardest. i'll try my best. and i'll get a B. not an A. a B. and it'll ruin my GPA. it'll cause me to lose another letter of acceptance. and somewhere, for some reason, i was taught that the school you get accepted into matters. it doesn't matter how good you are at ONE thing... or how passionate you are about A subject... it doesn't matter what you think of yourself... what matters are the LETTERS, the NUMBERS, the calculations. this plus this plus that DEFINES you. you are a file you are a record. mess up and beware, your dreams might shatter. once your dreams shatter... you have nothing else to hold on to. and so i sit, too scared to move. too scared to try my hardest and have someone tell me that it's not enough.
i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.
i might get up and have to face people with expectations. i might not fit those expectations.
because, over time, i have learned that being ME is not enough. i have to be what THEY want me to be. Me, without trying, is worthless. Me, alone, is never enough. and so i sit, too scared to move. too scared to live because i'm scared that i'll mix up my ideas of living with THEIRS. scared that i'll be living for all the wrong reasons; scared that i'll follow THEIR rules, rather than my own.
Scared that maybe i've grown these invisible strings on my arms and my legs, maybe even one on my head. Scared that they're moving me. Scared that THEY are in charge of ME. Scared that i've lost and they've won. And i'm thinking, maybe if i sit here long enough, they'll give up, and i'll be able to once again be free.
i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.
i might get up and eat. i'll eat, and then i'll go work out. it'll start out being a "work out" for the purpose of wanting to live a "healthier" life... and then i'll start LOOKING fit, i'll start FEELING like i LOOK good, and before you know it, i'll LOVE my image. and then i'll want to keep it. i'll want to safe guard it. i'll wish my body were a statue, so that it would never change in appearance. i'll eat again, and this time only take two bites. i'll be scared. scared of losing the image i now LOVE. & before i know it, i've allowed myself to lose my purpose. the purpose will no longer involve the word "health"... it'll involve the words "skinny" and "fat." it'll involve self-hated. it'll involve fear. and now i'm too scared to move. too scared to start something i'll never be able to end.
i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.
i might get up and do some homework. i'll concentrate fully on my work. i'll study and study, until i fall asleep. i'll work my hardest. i'll try my best. and i'll get a B. not an A. a B. and it'll ruin my GPA. it'll cause me to lose another letter of acceptance. and somewhere, for some reason, i was taught that the school you get accepted into matters. it doesn't matter how good you are at ONE thing... or how passionate you are about A subject... it doesn't matter what you think of yourself... what matters are the LETTERS, the NUMBERS, the calculations. this plus this plus that DEFINES you. you are a file you are a record. mess up and beware, your dreams might shatter. once your dreams shatter... you have nothing else to hold on to. and so i sit, too scared to move. too scared to try my hardest and have someone tell me that it's not enough.
i'm sitting here, too scared to move. too scared to get up, and live.
i don't know why i'm here.
or why i do the things that i do.
i might get up and have to face people with expectations. i might not fit those expectations.
because, over time, i have learned that being ME is not enough. i have to be what THEY want me to be. Me, without trying, is worthless. Me, alone, is never enough. and so i sit, too scared to move. too scared to live because i'm scared that i'll mix up my ideas of living with THEIRS. scared that i'll be living for all the wrong reasons; scared that i'll follow THEIR rules, rather than my own.
Scared that maybe i've grown these invisible strings on my arms and my legs, maybe even one on my head. Scared that they're moving me. Scared that THEY are in charge of ME. Scared that i've lost and they've won. And i'm thinking, maybe if i sit here long enough, they'll give up, and i'll be able to once again be free.
3 comments:
CrystalGee,
Your words clip the invisible strings that are trying to control my being, so whatever you do, don't stop being you and don't stop writing.
That entry really got to me. So many people, myself included, live their lives with strings attached to their arms and legs. I could really identify with what you wrote. Another great post though :)
This happens to me a lot. But like I tell people sometimes, you can't let fear of failure stop you from trying. I have definitely felt that way though.
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