realization

i just realized that a lot of the people i look up to.. and a lot of the people that i like to direct my questions towards.. and hold conversations with... and listen to... and who are able to really "make my day"... are the people who love what they do for a living.

i need to be one of these people.

<3

I've made my decision

I submitted my SIR to Cal the other week.
I don't even know why anymore... but it's okay.. i'm PRETTTYY sure i won't regret it..

mmm...
I FINALLY visited City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco... i really enjoyed it. I think that if i lived in SF i would definitely visit often.. it (as with other bookstores) gives me a sense of comfort.
















it was cool.. i actually think i like it more than i liked Strand. i hope to come across more great bookstores in my life =)

whyy are you listening to that?

I'm getting reallllly sick of songs that put down women.

Songs that objectify, songs that embody patriarchy, songs that talk about wanting to "do her good"... it's reallllllly becoming annoying.

I never really liked those kinds of songs, but there were always a few that would get to me... a few that i just COULDNT help but like... songs that had/have a great beat or a great voice or something... but now even THOSE songs (for the most part) are bugging the hell out of me.

Honestly.

It's amazing how many women LOVE those songs...

... it's like.. come onnnn...
it's like... Jewish people liking songs about incinerating people...
or MLK liking songs about blasting African Americans, or songs about the KKK or something...
or Native Americans liking songs about colonization...
or Japanese people liking songs about taking people from their homes and shoving them into a camp...
i mean come onnn...
would it really matter if the song had a "good beat"? .. seriously..
There's plenty of "good beats" out there...

Why are we listening to songs that degrade us?

It doesn't matter whether they "have a negative affect" on the listener or anything...

It's just the mere fact that, there they are, singing about us, saying RUDE things about putting us down...... WHY would anyone want to listen to that?

Dear Earth, i'm sorry...

i don't know where it came from... but... i started thinking a lot about the Earth today.

I guess it began with my trip to the gas station. So, i was standing there pumping gas... and i started thinking about all the different types of fuel we were talking about in my Creative Minds class... Ethanol.. Biodiesel... Electricity.. Solar.. Wind.. yeah yeah yeah... and then i thought, ok, so say everyone suddenly decided that they want to purchase an electric car, or a plug in hybrid, or whatever... and then i though, well, what about all the cars that they ALREADY have?... that would be A LOT of trash. WAYYYY too much trash... and then, by building those new electric cars (or whichever they decide to buy), we'd be bringing in so much MORE material, MORE garbage... and so, the answer of course, can't be to merely go out and purchase a more eco-friendly vehicle... but then it's like.. okay... what's left to do? purchase a bicycle? walk? take public transportation?.... unless our culture decides to SLOW DOWN, those things won't really work out well for our culture.. we're too dependent on convenience for that.. and so... we would have to totally reconstruct our culture. yes. that's what we need.

This got me thinking about garbage.
It's ridiculous.
And i know, i know, i've learning about this sort of thing for a while now, but, i don't know, for some reason, it just CLICKED today... it's like... i could finally SEE it, i could finally PICTURE it. it's so sad.

Why are we doing this to our world? i mean, WHY would we go out and buy things that we know our world can't possibly sustain. It's makes no sense. And it's SO REAL; it's a wonder that we can't FEEL its realness.

It makes me so pissed off that our culture is driven by STUFF... by material possession. it HAS to stop. The world isn't going to suddenly start growing and growing in order to give us more space until we realize how stupid we're being by producing and consuming so much.

I just don't understand.

it's obvious that we produce more than the Earth can sustain.
and yet, we're not anything about it. i mean, yeah, SOME people are =) .. but not ALL...

What is it going to take to get everyone to just STOP?

i don't know the answer to that question.

But i DO know that i can try to stop...

i've already began limiting the amount of things that i buy... but i feel i need to take it a hundred steps further... put even MORE effort into it... the earth can't afford for me to just slowly ease into become more environmentally friendly.. it needs me to hurry the hell up.

I mark this day as the beginning of my journey to becoming more Earth friendly.

"Suicide Medicine"

So, i just got home... While i was driving in the car, my ipod decided to shufle upon Rocky V's "Suicide Medicine" (i forgot how to spell his last name).. and, it reminded me of my mom because she had to go to the hospital recently, and they gave her some meds... on one of the bottles it said "if this medication upsets your stomach, take it crackers, bread, or a small meal" and automatically i thought: THAT ROCKY V song!... it's part of the lyrics to the song, but i never knew that they actually do put that on medicine bottles... i thought the words were just part of the song.. ( i don't take pills that often, so yeah)...but anyway, the songs says :

"If this medication upsets your stomach,
take it with crackers, bread, or a small meal
We understand it won't do shit towards a cure
But if you buy this, I promise you're gonna like
the way it makes you feel"

Prior to knowing that medication bottles actually have a sticker that states the first two lines, i sort of just interpreted the song as only talking about literal suicide, or about hard core (illegal) drugs or something.. but... NOW that i've gained more knowledge about medication bottles and their stickers and what those stickers might say, i get a totally new interpretation: perhaps the song is talking about our culture's love of medicine/pills as a cure... this constant consumption of drugs to "feel better;" drugs that get the virus or what not and punch it's lights out (contrary to the belief of balance found in Chinese medicine... it's like, rather than, give your body a little kick to punch out the bad guys, why not balance your body and give it the strength to fight ALL the bad guys on its own?... it's like comparing steriods and exercise/weight lifting... which is better? i'd like to say the latter)... anywayyyyy... my point it is, i got this COMPLETELY different message once i had a bit more knowldge about the subject... and it got me thinking: this is just a song here. a simple line (or 2) in a SONG. and by gaining more knowlege about something as trivial as medicine bottle stickers, i suddenly was able to develop a WHOLE new interpretation... if this can happen for LYRICS to a SONG.. imagine what it can do to OTHER THINGS...

i gained a new outlook on the phrase "Knowledge is power." ... it really is.

Say i'm reading a book... and there's like... hmm, idk, maybe 5 or 6 words i don't understand, or say, a paragraph or 2... but i just skip over them; i never realized how much you could possibly be CHEATING yourself by skipping over little things you dont understand... what if there was a phrase i didnt understand in the book i was reading (similar to how i didn't understand the phrase in the Rocky V song), and the understanding of that phrase would give me the key to unlock a totally new idea... a totally new understanding of the world.. a new worldview.. a new ideology.... it's crazy what big of a difference something as small as a word or phrase can make.

I'm not saying that having a bigger vocabulary or a larger understanding of common idioms makes you any "smarter" (whatever that is) or "better".. it DOES, however, help open more doors to UNDERSTANDING things... Thus, i have a new goal: INCREASE MY VOCABULARY! include idioms common to my culture as well as others...

... if you think about it... it's kinda like... all the disciplines within schools, and outside of schools (i.e. math, history, science, art, language, mechanics, dance, etc.) can metaphorically be seen as LANGUAGES... they're LANGUAGES to understand the world... they each provide their own perspective; their own view of the world.... of course, in the larger picture, we view our world and our reality through the lenses of our cultural constructs... but... all these disciplines can be seen as lenses as well... and sure... they all somehow contain a reflection of our cultural constructs, but in many ways, they also reflect the cultural constructs of societies OTHER than our own... i mean, America isn't the only country that has these disciplines...

It's like... everything began as an idea, and so, by immersing ourselves into all these subjects/disciplines, we're, in a way, attempting to understand those ideas (of which were, of course, created by PEOPLE.).... ideas ideas ideas. that's all everything really is... and how everything began... i understand that "everything" is a heavily loaded word.. it's so finite... but.. i'm just using it to try and get the point that i mean an unimaginable amount of things....

ideas. even 1+1=2 was an idea.

if we take all these disciplines and attempt to view the world through them and by them, we become more understanding people... we begin to see how OTHERS, not just ourselves, view the world... and so... learning all these subjects doesnt just make you a mathmatician, or scientist, or historian, or artist, or whatnot, it makes you a person more understanding of other's views.

=)

"A brain that never stops ticking,
sometimes an on-off switch would sure come in handy
A mind that's constantly cutting up and dissecting,
looking for answers, committing murders along the way"

Creative.

I had to finish these sentences for class yesterday:

Creativity is...
I learn best...
I want to change...

Other than the middle question, the other 2 had me stumped for a while. I know they were just suppose to be simple little questions that show a little about yourself... but... i took them them a lot more seriously than that. I mean, what IS creativity? can it even be defined? then again, can ANYTHING be defined?... "Creativity", i think, is a word that i could continue to define for the rest of my life.

Creativity is being able to see/interpret things for/as more than their literal definition and the way in which they first appear... it's being able to think independently and be YOU (not what "they" want you to be)... it's being able to create (both ideas and literally tangible things).. it's being able to think critically and really submerge yourself into the things that make life... it's being able to imagine... being able to realize that life is more than what meets the eye (in a literal sense).. it's a lot of things...

and as for what i want to change..

i want to change our educational system... and i want to begin to do so by providing our children (students) with some of the opportunities that I feel our society often robs them of, such as the capability of becoming independent thinkers and creating a more personal development of aesthetics and values. I want kids to LIKE learning... and UNDERSTAND why they should... i want learning to seem like a GIFT to them, because it IS. i want it to be more than just standarized tests and A's and B's and C's... and memorization.. and days spent staring at the clock.. i want them to be able to REALLY EXPERIENCE what it's like to learn and expand their minds. I have sooooo much respect for elementary/middle/high school teachers who DO try and do that... and i have respect for those who honesty try their best to attempt it... but those teachers who really don't give a damn are the ones that reallllly push my buttons. i mean, honestly, WHY are you trying to ruin these kids lives? (well, their educational lives)... *sigh*...

<3

ignorance.

One of my biggest fears has got to be: ignorance.

i want to be educated. is that too much to ask for?

This quarter has, so far, not been intellectually engaging, and it's making it really difficult for me to get through it.

i feel drained.
i feel like a sponge.... and someone's just constantly squeezing the "good stuff" out of me.
I lack in creativity.
My imagination is beginning to starve.
I've been thrown facts in the form of bricks... leaving me to chisel each one out in order to disect it.. and i wish the facts would've been thrown to me as a heap of mud... because atleast then i'd have some sort of moisture, some sort of substance... something to sink my hands into and actually FEEL... something moldable that i could take and form my own creation with.
I.
just.
want.
this.
to.
be.
over.

I've had too much going on.. i left no time for MYSELF..
Crystal without "me" time is, as i've come to find, HORRIBLE.
and it needs to end.

Pale.
that's what it's like.
and i want so bad for the rays of sun to cover me in their warmth and
give me some COLOR!

I Am Waiting by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I am waiting for my case to come up
and I am waiting
for a rebirth of wonder
and i am waiting for someone
to really discover America
and wait
and i am waiting
for the discovery
of a new symbolic western frontier
and i am waiting
for the american eagle
to really spread its wings
and straighten up and fly right
and i am waiting
for the age of anxiety
to drop dead
and i am waiting
for the war to be fought
which will make the world safe
for anarchy
and i am waiting
for the final withering away
of all governments
and i am perpetually awaiting
a rebirth of wonder

I am waitn for the Second Coming
and i am waiting
for a religious revival
to sweep thru the state of Arizona
and i am waiting
for the Grapes of Wrath to be stored
and i am waiting for them to prove
that God is really America
and i am seriously waiting
for Billy Graham and Elvis Presley
to exchange roles
seriously
and i am waiting
to see God on television
pied onto church altars
if only they can find
the right channel
to tune in on
and i am waiting
for the Last Supper to be served again
with a strange new appetizer
andi am perpetually awaiting
a rebirth of wonder

I am waiting for my number to be called
and i am waiting
for the living end
and i am waiting
for dad to come home
his pockets full
of irradiated silver dollars
and i am waiting
for the atomic tests to end
and i am waiting happily
for things to get much worse
before they improve
and i wam waiting
for the Salvation Army to take over
and i am waiting
for the human crowd
to wander off a cliff somewhere
clutching its atomic umbrella
and i am waiting
for Ike to act
and i am waiting
for the meek to be blessed
and inherit the earth
without taxes
and i am waiting
for forests and animals
to reclaim the earth as theirs
and i am waiting
for a way to be devised
to destroy all nationalisms
without killing anybody
and i am waiting
for linnets and planets to fall like rain
and i am waiting for lovers and weepers
to lie down together again
in a new rebirth of wonder
I am waiting for the Great Divide to be crossed
and i am anxiously waiting
for the secret of eternal life to be discovered
by an obscure general practitioner
and save me forever from certain death
and i am waiting
for the storms of life
to be over
and i am waiting
to set sail for happiness
and i am waiting
for a reconstructed Mayflower
to reach America
with its picture story and tv rights
sold in advance to the natives
and i am waiting
for the lost music to sound again
in the Lost Continent
in a new rebirth of wonder................

_Lawrence Ferlinghetti

............. (look up the rest, i'm tired of typing)

Movies.

most movies in a nutshell:
1) we get the opening image. the "before" picture. the image that tells where we are... what's going on.. who we're dealing with
2) we get the opening hook. the theme introduced. we get more of a feel as to what sort of character we're dealing with.
3)now comes the catalyst... an incident which finally gets the movie going.. usually something is mentioned .. we get some sort of "news" as to what's going on
4) the setting starts to develop. we get images upon images of what the "ordinary world" looks like for the main characters
5)we're hit with a mini crisis. We learn what the movie is about. our character realizes what he/she must do.. he/she figures our his/her goal.
6) we reach the point of no return. our character starts out on his/her journey to his/her goal.
7) the "B" story begins... a "B" story is added to take our mind off the main goal, to slow things down... sometimes the "B" story is a romance.. or, as found in many recent movies, a "bromance"
8) there's a moment of testing for our main character.. the main character fails.. heshe goes toward his/her goal and FAILS.. tested and fails (this is usually mirrored again in the climax, except, in the climax, he/she succeeds)... OR we get our first indication of love if there's a romance involved
9)we reach the mid point.. the turning point..for the first time, our character does something completely out of character
10) we reach the big pit.. something is lost.. almost everything that can go wrong goes wrong.. although not EVERYTHING is lost, NEARLY everything is
11) we reach rockbottom.. our character is helpless.. it's worse than the big pit.. our character is alone.. isolated... everything is gone.. and then he/she reaches an epiphany in which he/she realizes what he/she must do to achieve his/her goal
12) climax to finale. our protagonist and antagonist face off to get to the goal.. our character is tested and he/she succeeds.
13) we are given a final image.. the closing image.. the "after" picture to contrast with the "before" picture that we were given during the opening image.
THE END.

so, i'm taking intro to film.. and now, when i watch movies, i can see this play out time after time after time.. with nearly every movie... it's like you can predict what will happen next... it sort of ruins the entertainment part if you think about it TOO much.. but yeah... if most movies follow this outline.. it's really almost like .. every movie is the same.. in some way. Yet, they're not. they're completely different.

and so, this leads me to believe that.. the most important person of the movie making process is... the screenwriter. it is, afterall, the screenwriter that comes up with/creates/develops the story.. it is the screenwriter who gives birth to the characters we come to love.. it is the screenwriter who brings to life the lines and quotes we come to love and repeat... it is the screenwriter who is able to take an idea and begin the process of making a visual representation of it for all of us to see... it is the screenwriter who presents the story in such a way that we're able to either relate to it or merely be entertained by it. horray to the screenwriters. horray for their ability to make movies worthwhile.

<3

organized religion

haha. hyde deserves a high 5 for this one:



and talib kweli deserves TWO high 5's for this one!

NYC trip =)

so... i just got back from my 1st trip to NYC =)

loved it.
did a lot. one of my favorite things is probably the amount of people there.. and the type of people... it's crazy.. there are SO many tourists.. from SO many places... it's really interesting.. i also loved going to Brooklyn and finally being able to hear that Brooklyn accent all around me haha. I enjoyed being around a lot of historical landmarks and being able to see many of the places mentioned in literature and film =) as soon as i got there i thought HOLDEN CAUFIELD. haha.

i have A LOT to say about the trip... but i also have A LOT of hmwk to do. so all i'm going to say is.. one of the places i WASN'T too fond of (other than Harlem) was Carnegie Deli! i mean... sure.. the hot pastrami tasted pretty darn good.. but.. are you kidding me?!



disgusting!! like... why would you want SO MUCH meat?.. one of my english professors, Mr.D, let me know that the "sandwiches were big enough for two"... and boy was he right.. more like 3! or 4! .. it was insane... we ate about HALF of what we were served. it was insane. I wonder how much meat they throw out daily. oh and the video they play within the restaraunt is close to horrifying. They show the sandwiches and everything.. but, personally, i think it's more scary that appetizing.

so, basically, want to waste food and ask for a heart attack? go to carnegie deli. haha. OR be smart and only order ONE sandwich!.. go on from there.

i <3 NY.

whaaat

i like this =)

decisions, decisions.

So i'm reading this book...




by, might I add, this handsome young fellow:




lol.

But anyway... i've only read the first chapter so far.. and the thing that got to me the most was the way Lehrer describes emotions as a VITAL part of decision making. Often times i've heard, "you have to let go of your emotions when you're making tough decisions, crystal!".. think rationally... logically, or what not. and yet, here, Lehrer is saying, NO. logical/rational thought that doesn't include any emotion is USELESS. emotion is necessary.

makes me think twice about the way i make certain decisions =]

"V" is for Virgin.

hahaha...this came up on my "recommended for you" section on my youtube account... and i just had to post it. haha. I wasn't really drawn to this video... thought the intro was kinda lame haha... glad i stuck through it and watched the whole thing though. It's not the best, but, it made me smile and laugh. haha.

I'm a virgin, and proud! =) hope all you other virgin's out there find this atleast a TAD bit humorous or entertaining lol.

love it.

So... i went to the library to try and look for some stuff on Jhumpa Lahiri and Jorge Luis Borges.. for my research paper... and... i had been planning to do my paper on Borges, but then i was beginning to think about switching it to Lahiri because i just love her.. butttt... the guy who helped me at the library said that he thinks i'd probably have better luck finding more things on Borges (even though his actual literature is more challenging to read than Lahiri)..and so i stuck with Borges! & the guy.. or man, whatever u wanna call him, that works at the library knew so much! i was like thanks dude! you really helped out =) ANYWAYYY... this is not the point of my post... the point of it is..:

Afterwards, i went to look for the Murakami book i had returned a few days before... and upon finding it, i ALSO found other Murakami books.. one of them being "After Dark." The cover reminded me of something i'd seen in "Lost in Translation," and so, considering i'm a fan of that movie, the cover sorta drew me in... i opened to the first page... and wowww... i found myself smiling and shaking my head side to side thinking "Murakami, you're so clever." i totally want to read the book now but i have too much hmwk... so i'm going to try and read it over spring break. =) but yeah... here's the opening paragraph =) hopefully i'm not the only one who'll enjoy it:

"Eyes mark the shape of the city.
Through the eyes of a high-flying night bird, we take in the scene from midair. In our broad sweep, the city looks like a single gigantic creature-- or more like a single collective entity created by many interwining organisms. Bountless arteries stretch to the ends of its elusive body, circulating a continuous supply of fresh blood cells, sending out new data and collecting the old, sending out new consumables and collecting the old, sending out new contradictions and collecting the old. To the rhythm of its pulsing, all the parts of the body flicker and flare up and squirm. Midnight is approaching, and while the peak of activity has passed, the basal metabolism that maintains life continues undiminished, producing the basso continuo of the city's moan, a monotonous sound that neither rises nor falls but is pregnant with foreboding."

random poem

we read a poem called "Song For Bird and Myself" by Jack Spice in poetry class today.. and it inspired me to write this heap of words:

CLICHE UPON CLICHE: THE POEM

love, love, love, then something about a dove
or about above or perhaps
below.. yes, below
the eyes and past the nose, to the lips.
soft and moist, like the lips below the hips, and of course,
between these 4 lips lies the heart.
the ever so famous heart. beat beat bawl. beat beat fall to weak in the knees.
cupid and hearts and love love love. like a mirror
to poor Narcissus. No, selfishness never works. Yes,
the heart, or what it the soul?
And where was the soul again? Here? There?
Where does it lie? Oh and the lies! the lies and their words! But the truth,
the truth
somehow lies in THESE words,
MY words, THE words you are reading, wondering why they don't rhyme.
Could this be mere words posing as a poem? No. No.
It couldn't be... after all, it mentions love, love, love, and
dove, and above. But the metaphors... Where are the metaphors?
Like finding out your English teacher was your father's mistress,
revealing that OHHH! of revelation! that "oh! THAT'S WHY my brother's eyes are blue!"
Metaphors, yes, metaphors explain things like why eyes are blue, or green like lust, or was it money?,
or white like virgins,
like the KKK,
like the white man devil,
or red like passion, like thirst, like blood,
or grey like the FOG that covers MY soul, HIS soul, HER soul, our souls,
or brown like the MUD that covers HER soles, HIS soles, MY soles.
Time, and life, and ohh's! and ahh's! and yes, and truth! and enlightenment! and revelations! and MEANING! and love love love! seek it all in a poem,
in words,
or maybe not.
[climatic point.] Now isn't that what life was made for?




random. but yeah. <3

killer headache.

i hate not knowing what's "best for me."

i have a picture of "what i want" in my head... but... i don't let myself strive for it because i allow myself to believe that "maybe it's not the best thing for me." ...i wish i could just go on a vacation with myself.. and somehow magically run into a handful of amazing people who could school me on some of the "facts of life".. it doesn't even have to be a "handful".. maybe just 1.. or 2.. or 3. hah.

my head hurts.

grr.

Strange Hurt

Strange Hurt

In times of stormy weather
She felt queer pain
That said,
"You'll find rain better
Than shelter from the rain."

Days filled with fiery sunshine
Strange hurt she knew
That made
Her seek the burning sunlight
Rather than the shade.

In months of snowy winter
When cozy houses hold,
She'd break down doors
To wander naked
In the cold.

_Langston Hughes

i love that last stanza... the fact that she's naked shows just how EXPOSED she is.. how NATURAL she is. She's naked. She's herself, and nothing more. Naked and vulnerable. Hurt. I don't think you can truly know a person until you've seen them at their worst.. until you've seen them down and HURT..Vulnerable. it's easy when we're HAPPY. happiness numbs us from all the bad things out there.. but when we're hurt.. we become so sensitive.. the way we deal with it shows our strengths and weaknesses.

Wandering naked in the cold is like saying...
i'm here, and i'm vulnerable. take me as i am. this is me. love me or hate me, it's up to you, but atleast i have the balls to SHOW YOU WHO I REALLY AM.

stuck.

Lately, i've been feeling STUCK.

it's like, one of those gooey sticky hand toys that you can get in a quarter machine.




you throw it towards a window or wall, and it STICKS, and it feels good.. it's like, muahaha, i made you STICK to the wall damn it! i didn't even have to put much force into it and now your STUCK... but then... it unsticks.. and comes back to you.

that's how i feel.

I'm allowing myself to be thrown and stuck from window to wall, window to wall, only to be thrown back to the place in which i started.

it's really rather depressing.

i don't know what to do about it anymore.

and so, i guess i'm left with no choice other than to LIVE. go on.. be stuck and then unstuck.. it's boring staying in one place anyway.

i think i'm in love.

with Anoop Desai!

the next American Idol thank you very much. hahah. =] i love this guy. pretty much made me melt when i saw him audition for Idol. i never really stuck to the show... till maybe THIS season. woo hoo! go Anoop! lol. check him out(as a former soloist member of UNC's Clefhangers):

angel of mine..




i'll make love to you...



the only one for me...




sorry if u hate him. i don't =] haha