realization

i just realized that a lot of the people i look up to.. and a lot of the people that i like to direct my questions towards.. and hold conversations with... and listen to... and who are able to really "make my day"... are the people who love what they do for a living.

i need to be one of these people.

<3

I've made my decision

I submitted my SIR to Cal the other week.
I don't even know why anymore... but it's okay.. i'm PRETTTYY sure i won't regret it..

mmm...
I FINALLY visited City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco... i really enjoyed it. I think that if i lived in SF i would definitely visit often.. it (as with other bookstores) gives me a sense of comfort.
















it was cool.. i actually think i like it more than i liked Strand. i hope to come across more great bookstores in my life =)

whyy are you listening to that?

I'm getting reallllly sick of songs that put down women.

Songs that objectify, songs that embody patriarchy, songs that talk about wanting to "do her good"... it's reallllllly becoming annoying.

I never really liked those kinds of songs, but there were always a few that would get to me... a few that i just COULDNT help but like... songs that had/have a great beat or a great voice or something... but now even THOSE songs (for the most part) are bugging the hell out of me.

Honestly.

It's amazing how many women LOVE those songs...

... it's like.. come onnnn...
it's like... Jewish people liking songs about incinerating people...
or MLK liking songs about blasting African Americans, or songs about the KKK or something...
or Native Americans liking songs about colonization...
or Japanese people liking songs about taking people from their homes and shoving them into a camp...
i mean come onnn...
would it really matter if the song had a "good beat"? .. seriously..
There's plenty of "good beats" out there...

Why are we listening to songs that degrade us?

It doesn't matter whether they "have a negative affect" on the listener or anything...

It's just the mere fact that, there they are, singing about us, saying RUDE things about putting us down...... WHY would anyone want to listen to that?

Dear Earth, i'm sorry...

i don't know where it came from... but... i started thinking a lot about the Earth today.

I guess it began with my trip to the gas station. So, i was standing there pumping gas... and i started thinking about all the different types of fuel we were talking about in my Creative Minds class... Ethanol.. Biodiesel... Electricity.. Solar.. Wind.. yeah yeah yeah... and then i thought, ok, so say everyone suddenly decided that they want to purchase an electric car, or a plug in hybrid, or whatever... and then i though, well, what about all the cars that they ALREADY have?... that would be A LOT of trash. WAYYYY too much trash... and then, by building those new electric cars (or whichever they decide to buy), we'd be bringing in so much MORE material, MORE garbage... and so, the answer of course, can't be to merely go out and purchase a more eco-friendly vehicle... but then it's like.. okay... what's left to do? purchase a bicycle? walk? take public transportation?.... unless our culture decides to SLOW DOWN, those things won't really work out well for our culture.. we're too dependent on convenience for that.. and so... we would have to totally reconstruct our culture. yes. that's what we need.

This got me thinking about garbage.
It's ridiculous.
And i know, i know, i've learning about this sort of thing for a while now, but, i don't know, for some reason, it just CLICKED today... it's like... i could finally SEE it, i could finally PICTURE it. it's so sad.

Why are we doing this to our world? i mean, WHY would we go out and buy things that we know our world can't possibly sustain. It's makes no sense. And it's SO REAL; it's a wonder that we can't FEEL its realness.

It makes me so pissed off that our culture is driven by STUFF... by material possession. it HAS to stop. The world isn't going to suddenly start growing and growing in order to give us more space until we realize how stupid we're being by producing and consuming so much.

I just don't understand.

it's obvious that we produce more than the Earth can sustain.
and yet, we're not anything about it. i mean, yeah, SOME people are =) .. but not ALL...

What is it going to take to get everyone to just STOP?

i don't know the answer to that question.

But i DO know that i can try to stop...

i've already began limiting the amount of things that i buy... but i feel i need to take it a hundred steps further... put even MORE effort into it... the earth can't afford for me to just slowly ease into become more environmentally friendly.. it needs me to hurry the hell up.

I mark this day as the beginning of my journey to becoming more Earth friendly.

"Suicide Medicine"

So, i just got home... While i was driving in the car, my ipod decided to shufle upon Rocky V's "Suicide Medicine" (i forgot how to spell his last name).. and, it reminded me of my mom because she had to go to the hospital recently, and they gave her some meds... on one of the bottles it said "if this medication upsets your stomach, take it crackers, bread, or a small meal" and automatically i thought: THAT ROCKY V song!... it's part of the lyrics to the song, but i never knew that they actually do put that on medicine bottles... i thought the words were just part of the song.. ( i don't take pills that often, so yeah)...but anyway, the songs says :

"If this medication upsets your stomach,
take it with crackers, bread, or a small meal
We understand it won't do shit towards a cure
But if you buy this, I promise you're gonna like
the way it makes you feel"

Prior to knowing that medication bottles actually have a sticker that states the first two lines, i sort of just interpreted the song as only talking about literal suicide, or about hard core (illegal) drugs or something.. but... NOW that i've gained more knowledge about medication bottles and their stickers and what those stickers might say, i get a totally new interpretation: perhaps the song is talking about our culture's love of medicine/pills as a cure... this constant consumption of drugs to "feel better;" drugs that get the virus or what not and punch it's lights out (contrary to the belief of balance found in Chinese medicine... it's like, rather than, give your body a little kick to punch out the bad guys, why not balance your body and give it the strength to fight ALL the bad guys on its own?... it's like comparing steriods and exercise/weight lifting... which is better? i'd like to say the latter)... anywayyyyy... my point it is, i got this COMPLETELY different message once i had a bit more knowldge about the subject... and it got me thinking: this is just a song here. a simple line (or 2) in a SONG. and by gaining more knowlege about something as trivial as medicine bottle stickers, i suddenly was able to develop a WHOLE new interpretation... if this can happen for LYRICS to a SONG.. imagine what it can do to OTHER THINGS...

i gained a new outlook on the phrase "Knowledge is power." ... it really is.

Say i'm reading a book... and there's like... hmm, idk, maybe 5 or 6 words i don't understand, or say, a paragraph or 2... but i just skip over them; i never realized how much you could possibly be CHEATING yourself by skipping over little things you dont understand... what if there was a phrase i didnt understand in the book i was reading (similar to how i didn't understand the phrase in the Rocky V song), and the understanding of that phrase would give me the key to unlock a totally new idea... a totally new understanding of the world.. a new worldview.. a new ideology.... it's crazy what big of a difference something as small as a word or phrase can make.

I'm not saying that having a bigger vocabulary or a larger understanding of common idioms makes you any "smarter" (whatever that is) or "better".. it DOES, however, help open more doors to UNDERSTANDING things... Thus, i have a new goal: INCREASE MY VOCABULARY! include idioms common to my culture as well as others...

... if you think about it... it's kinda like... all the disciplines within schools, and outside of schools (i.e. math, history, science, art, language, mechanics, dance, etc.) can metaphorically be seen as LANGUAGES... they're LANGUAGES to understand the world... they each provide their own perspective; their own view of the world.... of course, in the larger picture, we view our world and our reality through the lenses of our cultural constructs... but... all these disciplines can be seen as lenses as well... and sure... they all somehow contain a reflection of our cultural constructs, but in many ways, they also reflect the cultural constructs of societies OTHER than our own... i mean, America isn't the only country that has these disciplines...

It's like... everything began as an idea, and so, by immersing ourselves into all these subjects/disciplines, we're, in a way, attempting to understand those ideas (of which were, of course, created by PEOPLE.).... ideas ideas ideas. that's all everything really is... and how everything began... i understand that "everything" is a heavily loaded word.. it's so finite... but.. i'm just using it to try and get the point that i mean an unimaginable amount of things....

ideas. even 1+1=2 was an idea.

if we take all these disciplines and attempt to view the world through them and by them, we become more understanding people... we begin to see how OTHERS, not just ourselves, view the world... and so... learning all these subjects doesnt just make you a mathmatician, or scientist, or historian, or artist, or whatnot, it makes you a person more understanding of other's views.

=)

"A brain that never stops ticking,
sometimes an on-off switch would sure come in handy
A mind that's constantly cutting up and dissecting,
looking for answers, committing murders along the way"

Creative.

I had to finish these sentences for class yesterday:

Creativity is...
I learn best...
I want to change...

Other than the middle question, the other 2 had me stumped for a while. I know they were just suppose to be simple little questions that show a little about yourself... but... i took them them a lot more seriously than that. I mean, what IS creativity? can it even be defined? then again, can ANYTHING be defined?... "Creativity", i think, is a word that i could continue to define for the rest of my life.

Creativity is being able to see/interpret things for/as more than their literal definition and the way in which they first appear... it's being able to think independently and be YOU (not what "they" want you to be)... it's being able to create (both ideas and literally tangible things).. it's being able to think critically and really submerge yourself into the things that make life... it's being able to imagine... being able to realize that life is more than what meets the eye (in a literal sense).. it's a lot of things...

and as for what i want to change..

i want to change our educational system... and i want to begin to do so by providing our children (students) with some of the opportunities that I feel our society often robs them of, such as the capability of becoming independent thinkers and creating a more personal development of aesthetics and values. I want kids to LIKE learning... and UNDERSTAND why they should... i want learning to seem like a GIFT to them, because it IS. i want it to be more than just standarized tests and A's and B's and C's... and memorization.. and days spent staring at the clock.. i want them to be able to REALLY EXPERIENCE what it's like to learn and expand their minds. I have sooooo much respect for elementary/middle/high school teachers who DO try and do that... and i have respect for those who honesty try their best to attempt it... but those teachers who really don't give a damn are the ones that reallllly push my buttons. i mean, honestly, WHY are you trying to ruin these kids lives? (well, their educational lives)... *sigh*...

<3

ignorance.

One of my biggest fears has got to be: ignorance.

i want to be educated. is that too much to ask for?

This quarter has, so far, not been intellectually engaging, and it's making it really difficult for me to get through it.

i feel drained.
i feel like a sponge.... and someone's just constantly squeezing the "good stuff" out of me.
I lack in creativity.
My imagination is beginning to starve.
I've been thrown facts in the form of bricks... leaving me to chisel each one out in order to disect it.. and i wish the facts would've been thrown to me as a heap of mud... because atleast then i'd have some sort of moisture, some sort of substance... something to sink my hands into and actually FEEL... something moldable that i could take and form my own creation with.
I.
just.
want.
this.
to.
be.
over.

I've had too much going on.. i left no time for MYSELF..
Crystal without "me" time is, as i've come to find, HORRIBLE.
and it needs to end.

Pale.
that's what it's like.
and i want so bad for the rays of sun to cover me in their warmth and
give me some COLOR!